Unreadlines.

Copywriter denies claims of self-promotion. Learn more at emmamurf.com.

After further inspection, “boyfriend material” revealed to be cheap polyester blend.

Derridean baby identifies as “post-embryo.”

It was the best of rhymes, it was the worst of fives.

7 signs your chemistry study group is a cult meeting in disguise.

Woman jamming to call-waiting “Who Says You Can’t Go Home” struggles to regain composure after the pharmacist picks up.

“I wasted time, and now doth time waste me”: man listens to Crazy Frog for four consecutive hours.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me once, I’m still learning how sequencing works.

Shocking: 5k runners discover streets are usually free to run on.

‘Nice Guys Finish Last:’ Man offers subway seat to pregnant woman who turns out to be bloated.

Search party assembled for man who replied to “DoNotReply@OrElse.com.”

Inspiring: college student funds her entire study abroad selling clothing her father bought her.

7 charades bowl suggestions to anonymously air your grievances against that one guy.

‘Consolidate’ accused of not taking its own advice.

‘Unnecessary’ also struggling to take its own advice.

If at first you don’t succeed, oh well.

“You can’t join our Clubhouse”: facing playground bullies of the modern era.

“Groundhog roadkill: no shadow” and other easy theme parties.

Process of Elimination: 8-week course from the writer who brought you “I Don’t Want to Be a Chicken, I Don’t Want to Be a Duck."

Despicable: woman pulls out USB without selecting ‘eject.’

Wall Street man’s honest review of the latest Emily Giffin book: “It was a page-turner in the sense that I couldn’t get to the end fast enough.”

Astonishing: “FAQ” revealed to be more than just a trendy way of spelling ‘facts.’

7 years later, “The Fault in Our Stars” releases blooper reel entitled “The Fault in Our Movie Stars.” One copywriter extremely happy someone read her letter.

Innovative: realtor describes haunted house as ‘talkative’ and ‘in high spirits.’

“My Dog Deleted My Homework” and other excuses for the modern era.

Marching band instructed to stop beating around the Bush. Former president disappointed.

Linguists confirm ‘text’ and ‘email’ are not interchangeable. Everyone’s great aunt in shock.

“New York Times Bestseller” revealed to be a compiled list of every book in stock at any library.

7 passive-aggressive ‘inspo quotes’ to hang in your roommate’s direct line of vision.

Tragic: Michael Buble opens a bakery, and it’s not called the Bublekery.

7 philosophical questions to ask the telemarketer with a ‘no hang-up’ policy.